Archive for June, 2007

iPhonevolution

June 20th, 2007 | Category: Satire

jobsiphonemark1bIn the late 1970s a pioneer by the name of Steve Jobs had a fantastic idea: He envisioned one day he would distribute consumer electric devices on a large scale. He wanted hundreds of people to afford the modern conveniences of education, business and personal enjoyment. In 1984, after an absinthe-induced bender at a Pink Floyd concert, his vision expanded.  “Everyone should communicate via phones that had no wires.”, Jobs exclaimed!

Jobs’ ultimate vision was to combine a “wireless” device that could handle not only great ccomputations–it would also store his entire record collection.  Additionally, Jobs was a  motion-picture fan.  He hoped to give everyone fanciful ‘talkie’ movies at home without the hassle of sticky movie-house floors and screaming kids–all within the palm of your hand. In the photo above we see Jobs with two of his early model iPhones. The larger model was riddled with knobs, gauges and switches.  He called it:  iPhone Mark I.  If you look closely in his left hand you will see the noticeably diminished iPhone Mark II.  His ultimate goal for the iPhone was to “bring it down to the size of a bar of soap”. Note his large shoes.

idisco.jpgIn 1985 Apple “fired” Steve Jobs. He went to work on a secret project he called “NeXT”. It was here Steve (along with the military) would covertly create the next of several products for Apple.

During Job’s “absence” from Apple, he developed several secret products he planned to bring back with him upon his grand return. One of these inventions, the iDisco, was a portable record player encased in a revolutionary polymer that could house his entire Beatles collection–unfortunately, due to manufacturing costs of the tiny records–the project was scrapped.  (Well, that and the fact that only half a song per record could be played.) Larger versions were attempted.  However, Steve felt these were too cumbersome.  When asked about shrinking the device down to a manageable size–Steve replied,  “All people deserve mobility in their electronical world.”

Working with the Military

ivac.jpgA lesser-known device invented around that time was the worlds first computing machine wrapped in translucent colored plastic. This was called the iVac. Again (even after 6 revisions) this model was too large to be shipped to the common consumer.  Despite this the iVac 7 was counted as a great success for its amazing capabilities and overall attractiveness.  One tragic downfall of the unit was the over-sized floppy disk drives. Note the two large 27″ floppy drives to the left of the iVac7 in this photo. The idea was to store everything on this baby–from recipes to ledgers!  However, several other companies had gone to the quaint 3.5″ drive by then.  As you can see–many of Jobs’ early ideas were profitable–portability was the problem.

iscreambAlas, not all of Job’s ideas were meant to be successes. Enter the Electronic Apple iScream Dispenser.  Released in June 1985, the device never caught on.  Research began in 1984.  And though employees were allowed ample time to test them repeatedly, they never worked out the main bug:  The whopper at the bottom of the electric cone would commonly get stuck!  This in turn would cause many a user to receive electric shocks when trying to obtain the tasty treat.  The slogan “Creamy and cold to the last lick.” was mockingly changed to “I’d rather swallow a box of toothpicks!” by employees.  Additionally, the corded cone made it difficult to move around without unplugging it. (We all know what happens when you unplug your ice-cream cone… disaster.) As you can see in this photo this woman is thoroughly entertained by her new iScream dispenser.  However, the cord is already giving her trouble.  (Wait ’til she eats the whopper!) Repeated tests were performed and all results were the same.  The project was abandoned in July 1985.

iScream2 The gentleman to the left has just finished his seventh helping of rocky road while he works in this top secret AppleTV lab. Although he is clearly ill from consuming mass quantities of ice cream he feels an obligation to help Steve Jobs with yet another of Apple’s innovations. You try working with that ice cream headache! Speaking of which, the Apple TV Mark I never made it to the public either. iScream dispensers and botched AppleTV implementations aside, we all know now that in the distant future of the 2000s Jobs would reinvent the AppleTV in an entirely new way.

Switchboard operator at AppleSteve brought all of this and more back to Apple when he was “re-hired” as interim CEO in 1997. What most people don’t know is that the “X” in his NeXT project was code for “i”. This is evidenced by the time that passed from Jobs exodus and his timely return in 1997–exactly 12 years! Now, take the 3 years that it took for him unveil his new title as the actual CEO of Apple in 2000 and you have 15 years… 15 is the exact number of letters between “i” and “x” in the alphabet–clear evidence that the next project was meant to bring forth a whole new line of “i” products.

Now that Job’s was back at Apple he could focus on his original dream. To combine a wire free communications system with a record player. Add to this a talkie motion picture machine and his dream would be complete. Working with the military to implement their wireless handset technology was the key. Switchboards would still be necessary behind the scenes but the wireless record playing talking talkie device was developed and perfected! The iPhone was born! (Or should I say xPhone) No larger than a cassette tape (Die 8 track!) and only 600 times as expensive, this handy device is sure to be music to your ears!

Apple Switch Hub

SteveToday, at Apple headquarters Jobs’ staff works round the clock (as usual) to enable the iPhone launch later this month. Note in the photo above how the talented Apple Switchboard Geniuses scramble to connect everyone at the Apple International Switchboard Hub. London! Paris! Albuquerque! You can tell by the shiny apple rotating above an early GeniusBar in this photo, that Apple has enough money to do exactly what they want. Investors should take note of this and buy stock now. This veritable iPhone think [different] tank is filled with all sorts of technical documentation and dedicated operators. Apple is truly prepared for the hundreds of customers that are looking for a smooth connection to their business, family and friends! It is our hope, this large catalog of evidence we’ve gathered is proof that Steve’s track record for innovative products is unwaivering. It has taken nearly 30 years but it appears there will be no trouble at all in delivering Mr. Jobs’ latest innovation. Through trial and error and evolution of invention, Jobs’ thoughts spawned ideas, his ideas grew into a vision, and his vision becomes reality… June 29th.

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